A Year Ago Today

A Year Ago Today

On October 16^th of 2013 I was rushed to Upstate Medical Center in Syracuse NY.   I had lost the ability to walk or feel anything from the chest down. 

Two months prior I had been struggling with what I thought was a pinched nerve in my back.  I initially went to a chiropractor who had made things worse.  Then a friend of mine recommended her chiropractor so I switched to him.  After the first visit I did find some relief, but my ability to walk kept decreasing.  Around the 2^nd week of September I had difficulty with my balance, the third week I decided to use a cane so that I wouldn’t fall down, by the end of  the month I was forced to use a walker just to keep my balance and take to additional burden off my legs.   Also during this time I was having difficulty sleeping because I would have massive leg tremors that kept me up.   This went on for two more weeks until I needed to use my father-in-law's wheelchair to go anywhere.

 On the morning of October 16^th I woke up and found that I could not walk at all.  I had numbness in my body from my chest to my feet.  I called the chiropractor again.  Scott took me in and I could barely make it up the steps to his office.   Scott was taking on all my weight to get me in the office.  The chiropractor took one look at me and told me to go to the hospital.  He said I needed an MRI that day.  

To this day I don’t know why I chose to go to the local Urgent Care instead, but I did.   Scott wheeled me in, the nurse asked me a series of questions, then said we’re calling an ambulance to take you to the emergency room.   Once I arrived at the emergency room,  I was tested with every machine possible, CAT scan, MRI, Nuclear something or other, bone scan, etc.  It was after midnight before I was admitted and put in a room.   I was given morphine for the pain and leg tremors. What a relief!  I slept like a baby that night. 

The next morning Dr. Benjamin introduced himself and gave Scott and I the diagnosis.   He told us that I had Stage 4 breast cancer that had metastasized to my bones.  He said that I had lesions on my skull, sternum, ribs, tibia, pelvis, neck and throughout my spine and the reason I could not walk was due to a tumor growing on the cervical area of my spine.  It had grown to a point where it was pushing against my spinal cord.  This was causing all the numbness and weakness in my legs.

At this point, I became misty eyed, but in an odd way was relieved to finally know what I had been dealing with.  I asked Dr. Benjamin, “What’s the plan?”  He told me that they were going to do radiation on my spine to shrink the tumor so that I could walk again, test the tumor in my breast to see what kind of cancer I had and go from there.

I wasn’t afraid or discouraged.  I had a medical battle plan, but I needed more.  Scott and I talked.  We decided we were going to hit this thing from three angles…medically, naturally and most importantly spiritually.   My husband has been a big proponent of keeping your body in a healthy state so that it can fight disease with its own immunities.  We also believe that above all else God is good and he wants people well.  When Jesus walked this earth he extended healing to all he encountered.  I immediately thought of Psalm 103:1-4 “Bless the Lord Oh my soul and all that is within me, bless His holy name.  Bless the Lord Oh my soul and forget not all His benefits, who forgives your all sins, who heals all your diseases. Who redeems your life from destruction. Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies.”

I could write a book on all the miraculous things that happened while in the hospital and the amazing presence of the Lord’s Spirit with me.   I’ll name just a few here.   One of things I prayed is that I would not have any side effects from the radiation treatment.  The morning before my first treatment I was reading the Bible and came across Isaiah 43:2  that states when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned.  So I prayed that the radiation would do its job and not harm me in anyway.   I had 10 treatments.  After the first treatment I was able to stand with a walker and walk to the bathroom with assistance.  I also had feeling back in my stomach area. The tumor was shrinking.  After all the treatments, I had almost all feeling back (minus the sides of my knees and under my toes) and the ability to walk with a walker without assistance.  My muscles had atrophied so it would take some physical therapy to get them back to full function.  I had no side effects from the treatments, except a scratchy throat for a few days.

Besides the positive reactions to medical treatments and the Lord sparing me from ill effects, I had a phenomenal nursing staff.  They were so encouraging.  I could see those who had a true call on their lives to be nurses.  What a blessing.  They care for you in a way that no other human can.  I am very grateful to the staff on the 10^th floor of Upstate.  I was treated like a queen.  I was also blessed by the many friends and family members who prayed for me, visited me, gave me gifts, called and sent cards.  I didn’t know how much that meant to someone in the hospital until I was there myself.  Those acts of kindness mean a lot.

I was released from the hospital after the treatments were completed on October 30^th.   I would like to say that going home was easy but it was not.   Looking back I should have stayed and had physical therapy at the hospital.   My muscles were still weak and I needed a lot of help, which we did get at home.  I had a nurse, a PT and OT coming to the house a few times a week.   I needed help showering, dressing, going to the bathroom, etc.  When the nurses weren’t there, Scott was.  He was a rock.  He did everything!  He became mom, dad and caretaker of me.  Sickness is time consuming. 

Not only was I dealing with weak muscles, but I also had this turtle shell brace that was ordered for me by the neurosurgeon.   It was precautionary.  After radiation, he was concerned that my bones would be brittle and one wrong move would paralyze me.  I was not a good patient regarding this contraption.   I was pretty faithful wearing it for about 5 weeks, then I wore it when I felt like I needed it.   The brace was limiting and made it difficult to move.  No bending, twisting, lifting, reaching, blah, blah, blah!   See...not a good patient. :)

During this same time, Scott had started me on an herbal tea called Essiac tea.  It is well known for its tumor shrinking properties and over all fight on cancer cells.  I take it twice a day and probably will the rest of my life as a preventative.

There’s so much to share regarding this past year, including a major set-back in November where I was rushed to the hospital again and almost died from a saddle pulmonary embolism, meaning giant blood clots had pooled in both lungs.  That’s a whole other miracle story.  But the short of it is…I survived and I’m thriving.

Now the good news....Last week, I went in for my routine monthly oncologist appointment.  My cancer maker numbers are all in the normal range.  Meaning, if a non-cancer patient had their blood tested, my numbers would be in the same range as theirs.  My last bone scan showed no new lesions and significant healing on all my bones.  I walk. I ride my bike. I drive the car.  I’m pretty much back to all regular activity.  I still have a little issue with balance which will get better with more activity.   My lungs are fully functioning.  I’m off blood thinners.  Even though I did not receive chemo treatments (which is another miracle) , I did lose a lot of hair during the past year due to hormonal changes.  Now all of that has grown back with added curl and thickness.  Most importantly I feel good.  

 I continue to stand on Psalm 103 not only for myself, but for anyone struggling with disease.  I hate sickness.  There is no good thing in it.   Yes, people can grow through any difficulty, but it is not God’s plan for you to be sick so you can grow.  Actually, my growth came from seeing the wonder of God’ provision for me in every area including healing.

 We live in a fallen world full of sickness and trouble….BUT GOD will deliver you out of your troubles. Psalm 91:15  “He shall call on Me, and I will answer him. I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver and honor him.” He is the good news.   Jesus is the good news.   Whatever may come our way, whatever trouble you may fall into, whatever sickness tries to attack your body, God is the one to run to for help.  I have experienced immediate miracles and I have received healing over time.  Both are miracles!  If you’re struggling with anything today, I encourage you to start your healing process with the Lord Jesus Christ.  When you go to him for help, he will lead you out.  He loves you more than you can imagine and he’s waiting for you to come to him.

 

Outreach is Fun!!!!

This past October we began a 6 week class on the Prophetic Gift based on 1 Corinthians 14: 3 "But he who prophesies speaks edification and exhortation and comfort to men."  On the 4th week of class we all went out into our city and practiced what we had learned.  It was an incredible time.   Before we left we all prayed and asked God to give us clues on where to go and who to talk to.  Some clues we very funny.   One of the guys got the color pink and saw in his mind a tutu.  He laughed to himself thinking, "God,You would give me that kind of clue."  Anyway, he was suppose to meet my husband who was already downtown at the Farmer's Market.  On his way from the parking lot to the Farmer's Market, Ed passed a little consignment shop who's window display was filled with pink items and a pink ballerina outfit including a tutu.  He was amazed.  He went to find Scott and told him about the clues he got from God and what he just saw.  Together they went to the consignment shop.  The owner was at the counter.  Ed explained to her what he and Scott were doing there and asked to pray for her.  She was very open and accepting.  They prayed and prophesied over her.  She was blessed by what they said and encouraged them that what they prophesied was true and accurate.  The guys were thrilled!

The girls and I were at Aldi's grocery store on the other side of town.  I got the clue to go to Aldi's and also got 3 other clues: a women, ringing in the ears and headaches. I wasn't really sensing who we were to pray for until we got to the check out.  I then saw a woman who had already checked out and she was breathing with the aid of an oxygen tank.  I approached the woman and said, "I see that you have an oxygen tank, would you like me to pray for you?"  She immediately bowed her head and said yes.  I prayed for healing for her and then asked her if she had ringing in her ears and headaches.  She said yes!  So I prayed for those to stop.  Pricillia and Stacey both prayed for her and encouraged her.  The woman looked up at us and thanked us.  She then said that she knew who we were.  We were shocked.  She said that we knew her daughter.           When she revealed who she was, we marveled at God's goodness, because we knew how much her daughter had been praying for her mom not only for her health but for encouragement and God led us straight to her that night.  I also had the opportunity to pray for her brother who was there. He was very open.  Later, we shared this story with our friend about her mom and brother, she was thrilled and blessed to know that her prayers were being answered and that God moved on behalf of her family.

         Skipping to the next week...we did the same thing.  We prayed and then went out to where we thought God wanted us to go. That night Stacey got a clue to go to Tim Horton's.  While we were there some young ladies came into the store.  Stacey felt like she should talk to this one girl.  As she started a conversation with her, she began to prophesy over her.  The young girl was a believer and knew she was headed down a wrong path and that listening to Stacey brought her back to the place where she was suppose to be.  While Stacey was with this young girl, Mike and I were outside of Tim Hortons. Mike struck up a conversation with a elderly gentleman.  He shared the gospel with him and literally developed a friendship with him. The man gave him an open invitation to visit him at his home.  A seed was planted and watered.  We ended up praying and prophesying over more people at Walmart that night.  We then came together again at our home and shared our stories.  What an exciting time!  There is nothing more exciting than sharing God's goodness with others, to see God's gifts in operation and watch people's lives change right before your eyes.

            Our vision is to help equip people to go out and share the goodness of God through healing, prophesying and the message of salvation.  We want to train people to do the work that Jesus did...plain and simple.

Amazing Grace

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound....
       We all know the lyrics, but do we really understand the grace that Jesus has given to us through His death and resurrection?  Do we truly comprehend what He has done for us?  Do we  understand the new and better covenant that was purchased by His blood?
       There is a life more abundant available to believers.  We are no longer under the law.  We are no longer under the penalties of the law.  We are free.   Jesus purchased our redemption.  Just as Boaz redeemed Ruth the Moabite and she became his bride.  We were outsiders with no hope, until Jesus gave us hope and made a way for us to become the Bride of Christ.   His grace, His grace, His amazing grace has set us free. 
      Saint, you are no longer a sinner, but a saint rescued from the grips of sin.  You are seated in heavenly places with Christ Jesus.  You are co-heirs with Him.   When the Body of Christ realizes their position all of creation will cry out because the manifestation of sons and daughters of God will have taken place.  Til then creation awaits.
     Church...it is time to know your position in Christ.  It is time to walk above the cares of this world.  It is time walk in the love that Christ extended toward us.  Stop wasting your time looking around and finding fault one with another.  Spend time with your perfect heavenly Father so that you can be so full of His glory and love that you can't help but walk in the plans He has laid out for you before the foundation of time.   There is nothing more precious than a saint who's face radiates the love of Christ.    Joy fills their heart.  Love, peace, gentleness, kindness, joy, patience, meekness, self-control against which there is no law, permeates their behavior.  Not because they've worked hard at practicing these qualities, but because they've spent time with King of kings who encapsulates all these attributes. Reveling in the grace of God and being grateful for the grace of our Savior changes us from the inside out.
    Jesus said, "Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  My burden is light and my yolk is easy."   There is an incredible peace and ease of mind when you know who Jesus is and who you are in Him.  You don't need to struggle, beg, beat up yourself or live under condemnation.  You are free under His grace and mercy.  Praise God!
   

The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth

This past month has been quite the adventure.  Learning to stand on what I already believe has been challenging.   Do I believe God's Word is true? Absolutely  Do I believe that He has provided precious promises in His Word for us to stand on?  A resounding YES!   Do I believe that God loves us with an everlasting abandonment?  Again YES!  
Then why is it when I am faced with a trial that I begin to doubt the very things that I say that I believe?

When faced with a difficult circumstances we tend to think things like....Why God? Why Me? Where are You when I need You most?  I've learned that accusing God of something He has not done is a waste of time.   God does not throw us in the depths of painful circumstances.  There are many reasons that difficult things happen in our lives, but God is not one of them.   He is our redeemer, our savior, our help in time of need.  When under difficult pressures, we need to call upon His mercy and lovingkindness.  
Apostle Paul said in  Hebrews 4:16 "Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."  
When we face trials we are to run into the arms of our heavenly Father to receive what we need.  That's what the blood of Christ provided for us, an open to door to our Father.  He wants to help us.  Our job is to ask and believe.   Know who He is and what He has provided for you and then ask and stand believing.  
Look at Psalm 103 
"Bless the Lord, O my soul, 
And forget not all His benefits:
³ Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
⁴ Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
⁵ Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
This Psalm covers a lot of problems...sin, sickness, destruction and hunger.
And it encourages us NOT to forget God's benefits.   He gladly provides these for you.

You don't have to pray elaborate prayers for God to hear you.   Sometimes it only takes one word!

Quick testimony:  A few years ago my daughter and I were driving back from Buffalo, NY on I 90.  I was traveling behind a large flatbed semi tractor trailer.  It had a small load of wood beams on the back.  They were approx. 10 ft. long and cubed shaped 6X6 inches wide.   I remember the size because one of those beams came loose and fell off the truck.  We were driving about 65 miles an hour, so that beam came bounding towards us at an incredible speed and force.  I'll never forget it.  Like they say..."Everything seemed to move in slow motion."  The beam was bouncing end to end down the highway directly in our path.  We were driving a little Toyota hatch back at the time.   There wasn't much time to react.  I didn't know which way to swerve or if I should swerve at all.  The traffic was heavy that day.  I couldn't switch lanes.  Cars were on the side of me and behind me.   All I had time for was one shout!!  JESUS!!!   And upon screaming His name that beam fell flat to the ground swirled in circles to the side of the road.   PRAISE GOD! That was a miracle and I only had time to say His name.

So the encouragement I wish to leave you with today is this...God's Word is true despite our circumstances.  God wants to help us and He has promised that he would.  We just need to call on Him and believe that what He says he'll do...he'll do.   And that's the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Through His Eyes

Recently I was chatting on-line with a friend of mine who stated that she was surprised that God was using her to teach children.  I responded, "God never allows our insecurities to change His mind about us. He thinks we can do anything!”  Another person later responded, "When I look at my own children or even the children we work with, I only see the potential within them. I wish my kids could see themselves through my eyes for just a few moments, and they'd never have insecurities again! That's how God sees us too!"
 That is absolutely true.  We can see the potential in our own children so easily, but they cannot see themselves through our eyes.  Sometimes they can only see what they think others see in them.  That's why it’s imperative that we communicate positively with them and encourage them.
The same is true in the Body of Christ. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).  It is highly important that we encourage each other and build each other up as often as we can.  For some this is difficult to do because they don’t see themselves or others through God’s eyes.  They see themselves and others through critical eyes.  Often times people who’ve grown up with critical parents have a hard time seeing God as a loving father who thinks his kids are awesome.  If we change our perspective of how God looks at us, only then can we change our perspective on who we are. It will then be much easier to walk in the love of Christ towards others. 
How do we know what God thinks of us?   He shows us several times in His Word.  These are only a few scripture verses.  There are many more.


“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.”  Romans 8:37
"And God has raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus." Eph. 2:6
"We are the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus." 2 Cor. 5:21
"He who began a good work in you will complete it." Phil 1:6
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil 4:13
"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us."  Eph. 3:20
"I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done,
and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father."  John 14:12
Wow!  God has a giant perspective of us.  He encourages us that He is right there beside us to help us on our journey.
So whenever you feel that you are nothing, go back to God’s Word and see yourself through His eyes.  The positive outlook that you gain from seeing yourself through God’s eyes will ultimately affect the people who surround you.
Here’s a little homework.  When you look in the mirror each day, say to yourself, “I’m the righteousness of God in Christ Jesus.   My heavenly Father loves me.  I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me.”  Immediately these words will cause your thoughts to change from an earthly perspective to a heavenly one.
When you start to believe the immeasurable love that God has for you, the incredible depth, height, and width of His love for you, you will then be able and thrillingly willingly do all the amazing plans He has for you.
Be encouraged!  He is for you, not against you. J

The Birth (Part 2)

Birthing and Joy

I'm writing about these topics because I am currently experiencing them.  We just transitioned from Florida to New York, thus the delay in blogging.  It would take more than a blog to share God's amazing grace and provision during this whole process.  All I can say... He is so good!!!

Quick recap:  Transition is that difficult time where you need to stay focused on the main event that is just ahead.  This time can be painful, seemingly out of control and lengthy at times.  But keeping focused on what God has called you to do and keeping your eyes on Him and not your circumstances will help you find success during this process.

The Next Step
The birthing process is next.  During this phase the baby is actually moving into the birth canal and the end result...birth...is just about to take place.   This part of the process can also be difficult, but at the same time there is mounting anticipation of what is about to take place.  Your focus becomes more intense and your work load increases.  Your body moves into high gear to do what it needs to do...birth that baby.   I have never understood why nurses and doctors yell at the mom to push during this phase.   Your body can't help but push.  It's automatic, well...unless you are heavily medicated. :)

As in the natural so it is in the spiritual...going through the birthing process of God's plan for your life takes focus.  During this time you need to be in the Word more, you need to be in God's presence more.  There is a building excitement of what God is doing in your life, an anticipation of things to come.  Your vision is coming into focus and you know what your job is and you get busy doing it.   There's still some molding and shaping going on during this process.  Why?  Because we still tend to want to do things our way.  Once we get a vision from God, sometimes we say, "Thanks God, I'll take it from here."  That's not the plan.  That's not God's way of doing things.  He wants to be in the whole process.   Planners, like myself, we want the whole thing written down from start to finish so we can see what needs to be done and at what time.  If you are on a journey with the Lord, know this quickly, your plans need to be extremely flexible.   God loves road trips...lol.   If you are willing to learn, He will take you places you've never dreamed of going.  He loves molding and shaping us into His image.  Why?  Because it's wonderful.  Just as the baby goes through the birth canal and is squeezed so that his/her respiratory system is free of all mucus so he/she will be able to breath real air when he/she is born, we too go through a squeezing process, where we are learning to let go of our way of thinking and letting God's way of thinking mold and shape who we are.  

The Birth
Yeah!! It's finally here.   The birth of the baby...the birth of God's plan for your life.  But what a minute, when the baby is born, it is helpless and naked.  It needs people to care for him/her.  How does that relate to me spiritually?  It is very similar.   When you are birthing what God has put on your heart to do...you are helpless, without Him we can do nothing.   We are naked.  Really...what do we know about anything anyways? :)  That nakedness is a sign of humility.  Humility does not equate to humiliation.  Babies are not humiliated when they are born.  They don't scream in shame because they don't have any clothes on.   Humility is knowing who you are in Christ and not being ashamed at all.  Your life is naked before Him and you're okay with that.  False humility tries to pretend that things are okay and people with false humility pretend that they are nice and sweet when inside they are seething with self hate.   True humility doesn't worry about impressing people.  Truly humble servants of Christ are fully confident in who they are as believers.  They are not arrogant or greedy.  They are grateful and compassionate.  Their light truly shines. And as we stare in wonder at new born babies, so too can others revel in the work that the Lord has done in your reborn life.
So...now that transition is over and the birth process is over and to continue on this amazing journey we must rely completely on the Lord's care, comfort, provision and continued wisdom.   It's time to grow!!!  So dear saint....trust and grow!

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, and who's hope is in the Lord.  For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters, which spreads out its roots by the river, and will not fear when heat comes; but it's leaf will be green, and will not be anxious in the year of drought, nor will cease from yielding fruit. "Jeremiah 17: 7-8

Transition Always Leads to Change

Transition is the stage of labor right before you begin pushing the baby towards delivery.
This is the last part of active labor – when your cervix dilates from 8 to a full 10 centimeters – it is called the transition period because it marks the shift to the second stage of labor.
This is the most intense part of labor. Contractions are usually very strong, coming every two and a half to three minutes or so and lasting a minute or more, and you may start shaking and shivering.
By the time your cervix is fully dilated and transition is over, your baby has usually descended somewhat into your pelvis.
Those of us who've experienced this passage of time know the difficulty of that process.  Transition is hard!  The only positive thing about it is that you know you are close to the end.  Pushing that baby out is not far away, but transition must come first.

What does all of this have to do with anything???

Transition is not only labor term, but it also describes what we go through in life right before God shows us His new plans for your life.    Webster's Dictionary defines transition as: The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another.   Wow!  That is an awesome definition!

When we go through a period of transition in our spiritual life, it seems as though everything gets harder and more difficult to understand.  It seems like the darkest hour before the dawn.   I always feel like I'm getting squeezed through a hole that is an impossibility, humanly speaking, for me to get through.   During transition you can't see the big picture, you can't understand the process.  You just know that it hurts.  You are shaking and quivering because you don't have all the answers yet and time is closing in.  This is when most people cry out, "Where are you God?"

Back to transition in labor....The best labor I ever had was with my last child, Destiny.   It wasn't til her labor did I understand what to do during this process.  That's right, I did it wrong 4 times before getting it right.   I changed everything I did for labor number 5.  I learned to have lazor like focus.  I learned to keep the pain where it was going to work the most.  I learned to listen to my birthing coach.  I obeyed her commands and I went to "work" delievering my baby.   During births one through four, I did just the opposite.  I let the pain overcome my whole body.  I focused on the pain and not the process.  I yelled and screamed.   I told the nurses that I was going to die!!   I allowed the transition period to beat me physically, emotionally and mentally.  

Transition in labor is not much different from transition in life.   When we are in the process of changing from one state or condition to another, it is difficult.  Change is difficult.  It's how we handle the change that makes all the difference.   I believe that God's plans for us are good, not to harm us but to prosper us, benefit us.   Just like birthing a baby.  Transition is necessary.  If you do it right, it is purposeful and beneficial.   If you only look at the temporary pain and focus on that, then you lose sight of the bigger blessing that you are just about to hold in your arms.

Scott and I have been going through transition for two weeks.   We felt it coming on.  We knew things were about to shift.  It's as though there's a little calm before the storm, then it hits.  Change begins to take place.   Circumstances begin shift.  You feel like Elijah at the brook where he was being fed by ravens and then all of sudden the brook dries up.  When the brook dries up you need to seek God about what's going on and what you're suppose to do.  You don't seem to hear anything at first, but we've learned from our past mistakes of  letting change overtake us, worry us and  make us sick.  So we seek God purposefully, we worship, we call upon our interceding friends to pray and we listen for God's way to open up before us.  It takes time.  It's a labor so to speak.   You need to be patient during this process.   This is where the scripture verse....Let patience have it's perfect work, and another verse that says" let patience possess your souls" means more than it has ever meant.  Wow!  Patience is really important.    Letting patience have it's perfect work, means settling your mind, quieting yourself and all the voices around you and zeroing in on what God is saying.   Waiting on the Lord is the same thing.  It's an active thing.  The state of  being patient and waiting are verbs, action words.  Practicing patience actually takes work and effort.  Waiting on the Lord means actively listening to His direction.    
But Praise God when that direction comes, when the waiting is over...it is clear, it is purposeful and you have the resolve to go the distance.   I'll talk more about the birthing process itself in the next blog.   Be of good cheer!  The birthing process does come to an end and then there is joy!!!